Sunday, December 03, 2006

What other dungeon is so dark as one's own heart! What jailer so inexorable as one's self!
Nathaniel Hawthorne

The heart. What a dark and disturbing place in human existence. Black... Void... Desolate...

I am admittedly insufficient for the function and form. Farming and computers and electronics and reading and writing are my domain. Logic. Knowledge. Facts. Formulae. This is the domain of my comfort zone.

My comfort lies in solitude and quiet and music. In short, I am not a people person. It's not that I dislike people, I just don't know how to have interpersonal relationships. It is bewildering to me. How do two people have a relationship?




Acquaintances is a fine and comfortable concept. I work with them every day for eight or nine hours and the time is done. The occasional lunch. The occasional Christmas party. The rare after hours get together. These are fine. I understand them and operate perfectly fine within their constraints. I don't call with questions or concerns. I don't comment on any of their non-work related abilities. The relationship is simple. Not complex at all.

Speaking on the phone with someone from work; about work is simple. Topic; context; discussion; resolution. It's that simple. The only extraneous, non-work related conversation is typically filler, fluff, small-talk to fill in the empty space while waiting for something.

'Friends' is a more complex topic. Talking on the phone to someone can feel awkward, regardless of gender. I will just be chatting and then... the pause. The singular thought, 'what do I say,' courses through neurons and synapses. That pause; so awkward.

Friends. I have honestly never really had many friends; the type to go out with; go bowling or play pool or drink or call on the phone to chat. Never really had them until recently. I always preferred the company of books or computers or my own self-imposed misery and loathing. Generally I still prefer books and a computer to people. Now there are exceptions. I do talk with a few people and they understand, or I hope they do, that I am a phone-friend neophyte.

Self-imposed misery and loathing? I recognize them; I fight against them; I will win; I will not allow them to accompany me down my path.

'Lovers'... This is a word that I ponder from time to time. It is deep; intimate; and in some contexts, meaningless; void; empty. My evaluation of this word and its implications and ties and concepts tells no lies and is direct. I have a lot of healing and learning to do before this subject is truly evaluated.

Maybe this word will be nothing more that a conversation piece; shiny and polished and never leaving the fireplace mantle. Will I ever take this word off the mantle? Will it ever experience real life once I put it up there? Maybe yes, I will take it down. Maybe no, I will keep it on the mantle, polished and dusted and rarely touched.