Friday, October 20, 2006

Oct 20, 2006 - Introduction.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost.

A first. A genesis. A step onto the road less traveled.

I am preparing for my first real vacation, my first real time away from the world in which I exist and know.

For the past portion of my 40 year old life, I can honestly state that I have never taken a vacation, just for me, alone. Sure, there were the occasional trips with the family, typically feeling like little more than chauffeur and caretaker and planner and security guard. These trips were typically fraught with angst and tension and pressure.

“Into Chicago at 5AM, then rent a car, then drive 5 hours to your family's house. Sounds fun!” I remember my wife saying.

“Can't we just get a hotel after we land? I can never sleep on those horribly uncomfortable airline seats. Just for the day. Or maybe we can spend a couple of days in Chicago first; rest and see the sites. Then drive down and see my family,” I counter.

No... She is insistent. My immature resolve crumbles into a million grains of powdery white sand. I drive. My consciousness active only due to the effects of caffeine saturation and secretly smoked cigarettes along the drive. Every 30 minutes or so, I would stop at the nearest truck stop, relieve my overworked bladder, grab a hot refill, and quickly consume a cigarette.

The last 45 minutes were the worst. I was pinching and prodding myself to just stay awake, nodding off once and running off the road.

She knew nothing of these events. She took sleeping meds and went to sleep.

But this trip is for ME. Yes, I am reveling in the thought of free and independent travel as I write this. Although still 20 days away or so, the thoughts of driving out on my own, without the immediate encumbrances of my chaotic, abusive spouse, seem to cause little spurts of adrenalin and occasions of euphoria... I smile.

I feel something similar to that of a Panic Attack. These feelings are very real. I want to run. I want to leave. But now I have a journey and a friend to visit and a destination, all of which are of my choosing. Good-buy crumbling codependency, good bye abuse, good bye craziness, if only for little more than a week.

Pardon me while I pinch myself... Not in any effort to stay awake... But for the typical reason... To make sure I'm not dreaming.

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